After title cards in a classic Hollywood vein intercut with a couple not-quite-fucking-but-rolling-around-and-kissing-in-bed, our true smutty feature takes shape. Three women decide to purchase a house on Staten Island and transform it into a home for working girls. They choose bedrooms, screech occasionally indecipherable complaints involving cleaning, and stammer through every line.
Despite boisterous omnipresent music drowning out a good portion of their poorly recorded dialogue, the ladies turn on the radio for more music. "How about a sexy dance, doll?" one casually asks. "Anytime!" another answers with glee. Our three interchangeable protagonists (?) proceed to gyrate and strip for three minutes.Outside, three sailors ride up to the front stoop. "Is this the right place?" one queries. "It doesn't look like much to me, but we're pretty horny, so lets go in" answers the obvious audience surrogate. They chat and dance with these women, much of this raucous party speech inaudible. It was at this point I realized writing in any serious capacity about this mess would prove a lost dream, so I've decided to "live-blog" the rest of the film, meaning I'm too lazy to organize my thoughts. Fitting in this instance. I'm starting 14 minutes in.
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| This name explains everything |
14:17 - So much garbled overlapping dialogue. It's like an Altman film with down syndrome.
17:38 - I hope the actors are drinking real alcohol. I hope I'm drinking real alcohol.
18:30 - First clear dialogue in the film! This sailor looks like Kyle McLaughlin. I actually enjoyed this bizarrely frank exchange about choosing a hooker to fuck.
20:44 - Sailor in bed: "Aren't you getting in?" Woman: "As soon as I take my bra off." Ah, just like real life.
23:53 - Uh oh, the awkward McLaughlin sailor wants the madame but is afraid to admit it. PLOT!
26:19 - Remember Meet the Deedles? I was once with a friend in a video store when I was younger where he picked up that VHS and told me how good it looked from the commercials. He's a cop now.
29:00 - Apparently sex is just kissing topless.
29:10 - Oh wow, the movie confirms this. I was just making a statement.32:09 - McLaughlin sailor just went on an anti-"fairy" rant. The thought of being with another man offended him more than the Madame asking if he was into corpses.
37:00 - Jese, I just got distracted by Twitter. Andrew WK is having a party or something. The skinny sailor is bound on a bed and receiving a makeshift lap dance while McLaughlin watches.
42:20 - I'm bored.
43:00 - So are the actors
45:05 - By being immensely awkward, McLaughlin will be fucked by the madame out of pity. FACT: Pity sex is still sex.
46:11 - SUPER BLURRY CLOSE-UP! Nice face, anonymous male actor.
51:36 - McLaughlin wants to date the madame. I'm fairly certain this will end like Pretty Woman, and I'm Julia Roberts.
56:34 - McLaughlin gave the madame a diamond ring he procured in China that cost $1,400. Not as a marriage proposal, but just because he's a kind feller. McCabe wouldn't even consider giving Mrs. Miller a gift that grand.
58:59 - During the whorehouse farewells, the camera motor can be heard.
59:00 - The End.
Why did we see shots of 69th Street if this whole endeavor takes place on Staten Island? Illusion ruined.